F***

Fear is scary stuff. I decided to write a little bit about it. I hope that in honestly sharing my experiences, others will also strive to live in the freedom of knowing that our genuine self-worth cannot be tarnished by these inevitable fears and failures of life.

Read on with care; this is a bit of my heart here.

When I was first preparing to leave for South Africa, people would applaud my bravery for going to a new place all by myself. I ate up the flatteries. I didn't realize this at the time, but apparently bravery and courage to try new things were extremely important aspects of my personal identity. Even now, I try to hide my inhibitions and I hate admitting when I’m scared. The irony is that lately this brave adventurer has been consumed by fear. Fear of being alone, fear of being robbed, fear of not being taken seriously as a teacher, fear of snakes, fear of tragedy happening to loved ones far way, fear of not being able to communicate, fear of getting lost, fear of being sexually harassed, fear of storms, fear of being unintentionally disrespectful, fear of being laughed at, fear of darkness, fear of losing close relationships back home, and fear of getting sick. The list goes on and on.

Of course, fear has always been a part of my life, but back home I was generally able to push it down, stand up tall, and pretend it wasn’t even there. I had the luxuries of comfortability, control, and convenience. I was confident and sure of myself in most day to day situation. When I came to South Africa, I was stripped of these luxuries and instead I clothed myself with fear, anxiety, and hesitation.

Because of this, my heart has felt unsettled and my mind exhausted at the end of each day. This past week, I was able to reflect on these fears. I haven’t ‘fixed’ anything, but I’ve taken some steps to redefining courage for myself. You see, it isn’t the fear itself that leads me down the dark and toxic tunnel of self-doubt. It’s my response. I let fear dictate what I say, do, and perceive. I let fear define my reality.

Someone who was really influential to my understanding of what courage really means was Brené Brown. You may have seen her books The Gifts of Imperfection and Daring Greatly or perhaps you’ve listened to her in a Ted Talk or two. If you’ve never heard or read her stuff, she’s definitely worth a google search. I was reminded of her research on vulnerability as I thought about all of these fears. She explains how true courage emerges in times of struggle and vulnerability, not strength. Isn’t that interesting? In our fears and discomfort, we have opportunities to foster authentic bravery and courage within ourselves. Here are a few quotes from Ms. Brown to hammer this point home…

“Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren't always comfortable, but they're never weakness.”

"Courage starts with showing up and letting ourselves be seen."

“The willingness to show up changes us. It makes us a little braver each time.”

Now, wait. This gets even better. This idea isn’t just something supported by Brené Brown’s research, it is also strongly echoed throughout scripture.

Vulnerability... “We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure. This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves.” 2 Corinthians 4:7

Truth... “If I must boast, I will boast in the things that show my weakness. The God and Father of the Lord Jesus, he who is blessed forever, knows that I am not lying” 2 Corinthians 11:30-31

A little braver each time... “Fear not for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10

May we show up, be brave enough to be vulnerable, and let God’s love pour out of our fragile jars of clay.

Like I said before, I’m still a work in progress. A lot of these things I wrote I've heard countless times, but in the spirit of truthful vulnerability, I’m not sure I’ve ever actually let it sink in enough to change the way I understand and respond to fear. Even so, what I am sure of is that tomorrow is a new day. My fears may be great, but my God is greater still.

Peace,

Caitlin

P.S. My photo gallery is finally up! Check it out! :D