Weighing In: My Thoughts on Fat

These past 6 months I’ve come across several cultural clashes as would be expected after being plopped into a completely different country thousands of miles away from where I was born and raised. Lately there has been one thing specifically weighing on my heart (pun definitely intended). Since being in South Africa, I’ve put on a few pounds. I’ve been trying to give myself grace given this huge life transition and adjustment to a new diet and lifestyle. But I still find myself uncomfortable in my own skin a lot of days. Those self-deprecating thoughts start to flood my mind when I attempt to shimmy into those jeans that no longer fit like they used to. Still, this isn’t something new for me. My weight has always fluctuated with life changes, which is quite normal. I thought I was pretty equipped to deal with the ebb and flow. However, being in a new place, I was blind sighted by a brand-new element that got thrown into the mix.

It first happened moments after I officially swore in as a Peace Corps Volunteer back in September. I came home, showed pictures to my host family, and settled in to watch soapies like we always do. I stood up to change the channel, and when I did I was suddenly hit with these little words, “You’re getting fat!” I turned around to see my host mother grinning giddily. She quickly repeated herself in case I hadn’t heard the first time, “You’re getting fatter, like us Mmabasotho!” These words rang in my ears and quickly brought me down from my post swear in “I’m a real Peace Corps Volunteer” high. My face felt hot and my heart like a heavy brick dropping through my flabby stomach. No one had ever said something like this to me before. Ever. Part of me wanted to bark back at her about her own weight and the other part wanted to curl up in a giant sweatshirt and sleep of the sadness. I opted for option number 2.

After I had some time to cool down from this unexpected encounter, I started to think back on what happened. Why did she feel like that was appropriate to say? Why was she smiling? Why the heck did it bother me so much? I was forced to think more about my own culture and values around physical appearance and at the same time I was also grappling with the values behind what my host mom said to me. It was a classic “Iceberg” moment. For those of you not familiar with Hall’s Iceberg Model of culture, it’s looks like this:

While the picture is rather self-explanatory, my simple summary is that the surface part of culture is made up of visible behaviours such as how we dress, what we eat, or how we speak. However, below the surface, where most our cultural understanding lies, are things that you can’t easily see. Culture below the surface is more abstract as it represents things like values, attitudes, and beliefs. Even in your own culture, it can sometimes be difficult to explain or even understand what’s fully going on below the surface. It’s murky down there! This moment with my host mom was a clash of our own cultural icebergs. Thankfully it wasn’t of titanic magnitude, but it was a clash none the less.

In analysing this conflict, I needed to look at what underlying beliefs contributed to my response to her comments as well as try to understand why she said something about my weight in the first place. I’ll start by looking at myself. I came to the following conclusions: One, I’m extremely fragile and privileged to have never had anyone comment on my weight for the first 22 years of my life. And two, I have a slight case of fat-phobia. As for my host mom, obviously, it is impossible for me to indefinitely know her intentions or beliefs behind what she said. Further, I’m not about to assume because we all know what assuming does… What I will say is I learned some things in the process of discussing cultural norms and attitudes around weight in South Africa with host country nationals. First, gaining weight can be a sign that you are enjoying yourself and living well. Therefore, my host mom’s comment could have easily been a positive one noting how I’ve appreciated my time in South Africa and am starting to take on my new "South African shape." Further, commenting on physical appearance, especially weight, is not a taboo or even an insult like it is for my passive Midwestern cultured self.

All this made me throw out a solid “HUH, well that’s different.” and to be completely honest, I forgot about it. That is, until the next time someone called me fat and it stung just like the first time around. I decided I couldn’t shrug it off any longer and of course did some classic Peace Corps soul searching to figure out what was going on with my innards. It was time I face my fat fears. In this searching, I realised that what bothered me so much was that the comments bothered me so much. Do you know what I mean? I stand here and preach confidence in my identity in Christ. I tell woman that they are beautiful and strong because they are His. I remind myself that while people looks at outward appearance, the Lord looks at the heart (1 Samuel 16:7 ), and yet somehow I give a tiny comment about putting on a few pound the power to knock me off balance and turn on my emotional self-destruction mode. That’s just depressing. Why in the world would I let something so insignificant control so much of what I believe about myself? The simple answer: fat phobia. I’m afraid of getting fat. Yes, I can blame culture, media, and say, “IT’S SOCIETY MAN!!” Honestly, that’s all true, but playing the blame game isn’t going to get me very far. Instead, I want to write a few truths for myself, and I’m guessing and hoping it will be encouraging to plenty of other humans who struggle with self/body image. My prayer is that proclaiming these truths will help our hearts to fully believe them and live accordingly.

1. Beauty comes in every size.

2. You cannot judge someone’s health based on their body shape alone.

3. Our bodies are a part of who we are, but they are not all we are. (2 Corinthians 4:16 So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day.)

4. Health is important. That means emotional, physical and spiritual health. If we are hyper-focused on one, it can be detrimental to the other. Let’s care for our souls and our bodies. (1 Timothy 4:8 Physical exercise has some value, but spiritual exercise is much more important, for it promises a reward in both this life and the next.)

5. Denying someone’s body change, in attempts to make them feel better, is just as problematic as constantly pointing it out. Denial can further contribute to a culture that fears or even shames anything other than skinny.

6. You were made purposefully and that alone makes you beautiful. (Psalm 139:14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well)

Ultimately, whether I am in a culture that falsely denies weight gain as an attempted form of encouragement OR one that seems to constantly comment on my body’s fluctuations, it shouldn’t shake who I am. My identity is so much deeper and stronger than positive or negative comments about my physical appearance. As my favourite children’s book “You Are Special” says “The stickers (or comments) only stick if they matter to you. The more you trust my love, the less you care about their stickers (comments).” I know this concept seems elementary. After all, it is in a children’s book. Even so, I see myself and many other beautiful humans struggling with this same thing time and time again just repackaged throughout life’s journey. Thankfully God’s grace is new every morning and scripture is oozing with truths about who we truly are and what we were meant to do. Let’s keep learning and encouraging one another and please, let’s stop fearing stupid stuff like fatness.

Lastly, if you believe in prayer, please join me in praying for the following:

1. For the start of our 2018 school year! Pray for my learners, colleagues, and me as we step into another busy, challenging, and sure to be incredible school year!

2. That my identity in Christ wouldn’t be shaken by comments about my weight and that I would be able to use these comments as conversation starters about culture and identity.

3. That the Vikings are clear, calm, and collected ready to kick some New Orleans butt on Sunday.

4. Lastly, that God’s will be done on earth (especially Limpopo, South Africa) as it is in Heaven!

Cheers to a happy and healthy new year!!!!

-Caitlin