Tov

Most days are hard. I’ve cried more in the last year of my life than I think the first 22 combined. Tears of frustration. Tears of joy. Tears of sadness, confusion, exhaustion, and gratitude. I’ve never claimed “crier” as part of my identity. And don’t get too excited back home people. I don’t intent on doing so any time soon. But still, this Peace Corps gig is changing me. Not just in the increased tear production in my lacrimal gland, but in more ways than I think I even notice. I guess the tears are just watering the growth I’m constantly undergoing whether I like it or not.

These past few weeks in particular have been a bit brutal. I’m coming into the dreaded stage Peace Corps has labeled “The Mid-Service Crisis.” And while I don’t think I’m quite to crisis level yet (I’m sure it’s coming in a couple months), I certainly feel the ebb pulling me down. Projects lacking momentum, loneliness, frustrations with the education system, cravings for conveniences, annoyance with the catcalls and gawking stares, challenges with learners, homesickness, you name it. I’ve felt it. And to be honest, I’ve probably cried about it.

But tonight, I was reminded of something else. Something bigger than these setbacks scrolling through my mind’s movie reel on repeat. I was reminded of good. Of beauty. Of things working the way they are supposed to. I was reminded of tov. Tov is a Hebrew word used throughout the Old Testament. The word is most famously known as what God speaks after everything he has created in Genesis. “It is good.” He said. It is beautiful; it is working the way it’s supposed to. I love this word, and not shockingly, I love when I see it playing out in this often sin soaked world we walk through. You know, it’s that moment you take a bite of a perfectly rare and seasoned piece of steak (sorry vegetarians), or when you hear a song that just stops time, or when you laugh until your abs hurt. It is those moments of, “Yes. THIS is what life is all about.”

God is making all things new. I believe that. And he gives us moments of His kingdom breaking through our ordinary and just plain hard day to day lives. They are beautiful gifts and I think there is no better way to describe these kingdom moments than tov. I had one of those moments tonight.

It was nothing special really. No one changed the world, no one even talked to be honest. It was just the beauty of the moment that caught my gaze and I couldn’t look away.

It was that instant before the sun sets when the rays hit the landscape and houses just right that it looks like everything is made of pure gold. The crisp autumn air had us all curled up tight; sitting close. I was on a patch of grass just outside my gate with three boys from my neighbourhood. I chomped on sweet chilli naks from the tuck shop down the road while the boys carefully passed around my guitar to strum a tune or drop a beat. I was smiling at the serenity of it all and then it hit me. This is my dream. I know it’s cliché and I do my best to be authentic and real in these posts. But that was honestly my thought. This is what I’ve dreamed about doing. About being. And I’m here. This is beautiful, so good, and exactly how it’s supposed to be. This is tov.

What a gift. It was a simple moment, but I don’t think I’ll soon let go of its memory. I’m praying God will remind my soul of that moment at sundown when I feel like screaming at my class, or when I’m overwhelmed with failure because I can’t even accomplish the first task of a community project. Because there is tov in that too. What is good and right is rarely what is easy. Though it’s harder to see God’s tovliness, if you will, in those moments, I know I’m still doing the work He has called me to. And that, my friends, is so so good.

So keep finding the tov in life. May we see it, experience it, and be part of creating it for those around us. God created so much good and I am just grateful I got a sliver of that goodness in my Friday evening strumming circle tonight.

Much love to you and your prayers are always appreciated,

Caitlin