Are You Married?

Nov 11, 2018
6 min read

Three of the top questions I get within the first 5 minutes of meeting someone:

1. Are you married?

2. Do you have children?

3. Do you have a boyfriend?

Being in a community where marriage and having children are both highly valued, it isn’t surprising that these are some of the first words out of the mouths of new acquaintances. While there are many things that are different about living here than in my home in MN, this idolisation of marriage is actually nothing new, it’s just a little more explicit.

In all honesty, this post has very little to do with my Peace Corps service. It is simply something that has been on my mind a lot given the number of times I am asked about my relationship status in any given day. There is nothing wrong with marriage but I think there is something wrong with how the modern American church idolises marriage and parenthood, especially for women. And here's the thing about idols. We don’t idolise inherently bad things. We just take something good and move it to the wrong place. Marriage is something that God can use to sanctify us and display the Gospel in a mighty way. The kicker is, I think we are stifling a lot of people and potential for God’s kingdom by making it our goal, our purpose, our idol.

That’s all this post is about: What we Christians are missing about singleness and how we can do better as a Church. If you have no interest in hearing about that, go right ahead and close this tab. If you’re still with me, I really think asking God to shift our hearts and actions around dating, marriage, and singleness can bring a lot of freedom and life to the Church (a couple things our Jesus seems to be all about). At the very least, I know it has brought freedom and life to me as a single Christian woman and I’d love to share that learning with you.

For anyone who has been single for a while, past or present, and finds themselves in Christian circles, they are sure to have heard some variation of comments like these:

Don’t worry, there is someone out there for you. All in God’s timing.
I just don’t understand how you are still single?! You’re so awesome!
It happens when you don’t expect it. You won’t meet your spouse until you stop looking.
Just focus on falling in love with Jesus right now. The right man will see that and fall in love with you.

I know people who say these things mean well. Heck, I’ve even said some version of this to someone or even to myself. The danger isn’t in these words, it’s in our mindset behind them. They all emphasise that to be single is to lack something. Further, that singleness is a temporary ailment that God will heal one day if you are just faithful. I think the saddest part is that is cheapens God’s love to something we seek only in hopes that we will find a husband (or wife) to make it all worth it in the end.

Yes, God made human marriage as a glorious reflection of His love for the church (Eph 5: 25-32), but still the most glorious love is His actual love for the church...for YOU...for me! So why seek a reflection when we can seek the real deal? Single or married, we should all long for the most glorious wedding and marriage between Christ and the church (Rev 21: 1-4).

So, if we all get the Ultimate Love and marriage is a reflection of said Love, then what’s the case for singleness? Well the truth is it’s not a case at all, it’s just a gift (1 Cor 7:6-9). Not the kind you accept with a half smile and return as soon as something better (aka husband material) comes along. like a real GIFT. It is an opportunity to fully pursue Christ and find your identity completely in who He says you are. It is an opportunity to build deep, intimate, powerful relationships with friends and family members. It is an opportunity to take risks and say yes to wherever God leads without having to consider the implications for your spouse or children. It is an opportunity to have the energy and capacity to pour your whole heart, care, love, and generosity in a risky way outside of your own home into a neighbourhood, job, and/or church. If you want more info about this gift, just read 1 Cor 7! It is beautiful. It is freeing. It is life-giving because this gift can bring us closer to God and help us grow as followers of Christ.

But ultimately it’s our choice to see singleness as a disability or an opportunity.

Just like most things in our faith journey, it’s not about what we do (dating, not dating, getting married, staying single), but about our heart behind it. If you are dating because you are afraid to be alone, it’s not healthy. Likewise, if you are avoiding intimacy (in romantic relationships OR friendships) because you afraid, it’s just as unhealthy.

Personally, I’ve been single now for about 4 years and God has been teaching me so much along the way. I can actually say I’m in a place where I thank God for my singleness. I always tried to trust him in it, but my soul and body didn’t (and still don’t) always match up with what my spirit is praying. If you know me at all, you know I love children. Growing up I was always caring for my 16 dolls. Each one had a first and middle name along with a detailed life story and personality. I have a deep desire to be a mother, to be caring and hospitable and comforting to little ones. What God has shown me is that there are millions of his children on this planet already in need of that very care, hospitality, and comfort. I don’t have to wait around for Mr. Right to put these traits in action. And because of the opportunities singleness provides, I can give 100% of that care, hospitality, and comfort to those who are not my biological children. Further thanks to singleness, I was able to follow that call all the way to South Africa. Whether or not marriage is in my future, I feel complete in Christ. Right now. I feel loved and able to share God’s love with others in deep, personal ways.

Now, as much as singleness is a gift, it is not easy. And I’m sure there are plenty of single people who are not feeling the gift right now. That’s okay too. Of course, us humans have desires for lifelong companionship, sex, and romantic intimacy. And while we can find different forms of companionship and intimacy without getting married, it doesn’t make the desires (especially the romantic and sexual ones) any less. In addition to our personal desires, being single in Christian settings can be extremely isolating. I’ve gone to church services and felt so alone when I look around the congregation of couples and young families, or when I can’t find a small group because the only singles 20 something group meets on a night I’m busy and the rest are for couples or families, or feeling friendships change as friends enter romantic relationships that take priority. I find myself asking, where do I fit into this picture? (In the case of my family, it’s usually awkwardly in between my parents because everyone else is in pairs).

Marriage has a tendency to be seen as a badge of honour that somehow makes women more godly and wise. Yes, people learn a lot about God and themselves in marriage because they are forced to be vulnerable and uncomfortable and grittily steadfastness through all life throws at them. (obviously I have not experienced this. It is just what I seem to gather from my married friends, family members, and mentors). However, single people can also grow through vulnerability, discomfort, and gritty steadfastness. I think it takes a bit more intentionality for the person to seek it out, but there is still plenty of discomfort and spiritual growth to find both inside and outside of marriage.

Marriage isn’t perfect, nor is singleness. The joys and the problems come in different packages, but they all weigh the same. And after death, both are insignificant (Mark 12:25). So what if we shift the focus from our temporary, earthly forms of love to God’s perfect love. Because what we really long for is true love—to be fully known and loved in spite of ourselves. Jesus is offering that kind of love and intimacy to everyone. I love this quote from Shane Claiborne, an incredible follower of Jesus, author, activist, and married-man-but-singleness-advocate, that speaks to this point:

“We can live without sex, but we cannot live without love. Plenty of people have lots of sex but aren’t loved, and other folks go their entire lives without ever having sex, but experience immense love. The deepest longing in our souls is not for sex but for love, for community, for friendship. Our communities and congregations must be places where everyone can feel loved and experience authentic community. So often we focus on sex-- sexual identity, sexual behaviours, sexual attraction-- and we forget to talk about love.”

Now with all this in mind, I might just start to answer that question of “Are you married?” a bit like my role model Mother Teresa, “Yes, I am deeply in love. And sometimes my Spouse can be so demanding.”

Happy Singles Day (11/11) and Veterans Day (thank you to all those who served/serve).

Love,

Single Sister Caitlin